How Zebras Helped Me Heal From Child Sex Abuse

The only thing I could make out were stripes.

In February 2023, everybody near me was wearing zebra-print outfits to gather as children. sexual abuse (CSA) survivors and allies.

For the first time, I felt like an integral member of a noticeable CSA survivor group. I had finally found my tribe.

There was a significant difference between my early years and when I reached the age of 10, during which time I experienced sexual abuse.

I lived with dissociative amnesia At that time, this was a psychological reaction characterized by memory gaps related to distressing experiences. Additionally, during my upbringing in the 1970s, I lacked the vocabulary to articulate what I was going through.

Consequently, I kept everything to myself and didn’t share with others what I was experiencing. The only thing I understood was that I felt unlike myself—almost surreal—and frequently found myself troubled.

Naturally, this made a significant difference in my life.

In my teenage years, I was a bright yet troublesome student as I lacked faith in adults, which led me to frequently oppose my teachers—sometimes even causing them to cry.

I also developed compulsive behaviours like skin picking .

While moving through adulthood, I grappled with post-traumatic stress, sleeplessness, persistent headaches, thoughts of suicide, drug abuse, and being homeless. It baffled me as to why this was happening—I simply felt that my life was spiralling out of control and becoming harder to handle.

At 20, I tried counselling and explored what I thought was the big issue – my father leaving us when I was three. But that was just scratching the surface and my amnesia remained.

I discovered comfort within the festival atmosphere, residing outdoors and inside vehicles. It was during my time in these communities that I encountered several brave survivors who shared their experiences with abuse.

Zebra Day CSA Survivor Pride

For more information about Zebra Day CSA Survivor Pride, Check out Viv Gordon’s site here . You can also catch Viv in her new show, Cutting Out, at Tobacco Factory Theatres from June 5 to July 7 in Bristol.

They discussed feelings that deeply affected me, yet I couldn't understand the reason behind it. Concurrently, as I lived outdoors, I gradually became more attuned to my physical self, slowly pulling me away from dissociation.

Eventually—at the age of 29—I found myself weeping uncontrollably for hours, with my body twisting in distress. Afterwards, I managed to regain small pieces of memories, akin to glimpsing a pair of boots, recognizing a face, or feeling a physical sensation.

It took quite some time to realize they were flashbacks. However, for the first time, I managed to put the pieces together and acknowledge that I had experienced abuse.

Although it felt as though a bomb had exploded in my world, many of my previous emotions and actions finally clicked into place.

Fortunately, I had the good fortune of having an incredibly supportive partner, along with friends who were fellow survivors, and could avail myself of affordable specialized assistance. However, dealing with intricate trauma is indeed a continuous life-long process.

Over the years, I have come to learn how to coexist with it.

There’s an estimated 11 million adult CSA survivors in the UK. After reading this statistic, I suddenly saw my experiences as very political so I decided I had to do something.

In 2014, I created and presented my inaugural theater production named 'I am Joan,' which revolved around my personal journey of resilience. Initially, expressing myself so openly in public was daunting; however, with considerable assistance, I managed to overcome years of being trained to stay quiet.

Every time I performed though, audience members would then queue up to whisper ‘me too’ into my ear and often I was the first person they’d told. I found this deeply moving and connecting.

But I wanted to do more. In 2020, I co-created ‘ABC of CSA’ as a resource to educate people about child sexual abuse – in collaboration with over 40 survivors. Like ‘B is for we Believe you’ and ‘U is for Under all the layers of trauma is the person I was supposed to be’.

Celebrating survival, feeling proud of ourselves, and understanding that we are part of a community is a huge step forward. All of these ideas are essential to narrative changemaking around child sexual abuse. I use art, music and performance to make change.

Yet, cultural silence persists in keeping victims isolated and sustaining abuse that annually affects 500,000 children and youths across England and Wales.

As a community, we must emphasize that abuse can never be attributed to the child and that survivors are blameless victims of terrible offenses.

If we desire a distinct reality for coming generations, everyone should engage in this dialogue. The moment has come to eliminate the stigma surrounding the experience.

The solution to this problem is quite straightforward; it's as simple as black and white.

Would you like to share a story? Reach out via email for us to connect. James.Besanvalle@.co.uk .

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